As if.

August 27, 2008 at 9:10 pm (Le Pole)

So,

Not only is Kaylen mean.  She is also LOUD.

That’s all.

-Le Pole

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Peace, holmes! What what??

August 25, 2008 at 10:48 pm (Le Pole)

So,

Kaylen isn’t always mean (but she is most of the time).  Sometimes when I really need a good laugh, I pull up pictures of a certain somebody on facebook and she says really funny things about them.  And I laugh so hard.  “Oh look I’m balding.”  “I have rosacea.”  “I’m a biiiiig douchebag.”  “Douche!”  “Here I am just standing in the sun being a douche!”  “Oh look I’m photogenic, except NOT!”  “Oh he looks kind of attractive there…because it looks like he’s DEAD!”

Sometimes she can be kind of creepy.  At the mall today she saw a self-tanning kit and asked if I’d spray her naked body.  It made me feel a little uncomfortable.  But, then again, she also wiped off my greasies at Chili’s.

-Le Pole

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Maybe you can find a nice antique rocking chair to die in.

August 18, 2008 at 12:23 pm (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

I don’t hate Agnes as much today.  She started her orientation so I feel bad for her.

I went home this weekend and it was amazing.  I don’t know what happened but all of a sudden I really enjoy spending time with my family.  I guess I finally realized that they are the ones who will always love me, no matter what happens and no matter who drifts in and out of my life.

Speaking of which I got to see my godson.  He is so adorable.  He is the only child in the world remotely acceptable.  He’s like atomic cute.  Here is a picture of him dressed as a hot dog…

K-Murder

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A True Friend Stabs You In the Front

August 14, 2008 at 4:27 pm (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

I hate Agnes today because she tried to make me look creepy by saying that I said I loved her on aim.  I just said that so that she would do me a favor.  She forgets she’s only one of my rainy day friends.

Also, I’m not THAT mean.  Today I held my godchild for like 5 minutes and didn’t even throw up or throw him out the window.  He also didn’t cry when I held him or anything!  He smiled at me as if to say, “I know that I am the only one of my kind that you don’t hate.”  Tonight I’m going to dress him up in the hot dog costume I bought him and take lots of pictures that I intend to put up.

K-Murder

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Switzerland is a place where they don’t like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

August 13, 2008 at 2:04 pm (Le Pole)

So,

What kind of mean person laughs when little children fall?  Oh yeah, Kaylen is that kind of person.

What Kalyen doesn’t know is that I’m not coming back to Chapel Hill until tonight because last week she told me she was leaving to go to the mountains on Wednesday.

Yesterday Kaylen told me she loved me on AIM.  She told me not to tell anbody that she said it.  It was weird and made me feel uncomfortable.  Not only is she mean, she’s creepy too!

-Le Pole

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Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy

August 13, 2008 at 10:07 am (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

Today I hate Agnes because she said I was incapable of crying. That is absolutely not true. I cry during allergy season and when I laugh really really hard when a small child falls down or gets karate kicked 10 feet like on this youtube video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qB7QLKZzFY8

Agnes is coming back to the house today which means I will be leaving until Sunday. I told her I am “taking vacation time” which is just not true. I’m taking sick leave because I’m sick of her and need to leave.

By the way, Katie and I stayed up until midnight watching those crazy Chinese girl gymnasts. As much as I hate to agree with Agnes, those freaks CANNOT be 16. One was missing a tooth, and I’d bet $10 it was a baby tooth. Also, they all wore those tacky sparkly barrettes and Katie raised an excellent point that only people in middle/elementary school wear those. They were pretty amazing though, as much as it pains me to admit. But I guess you’re pretty flexible when you’re still a fetus.

K-Murder

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And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.

August 12, 2008 at 10:12 am (Le Pole)

So,

Does anybody read this?  Just curious.

The thing is that I think Kaylen is incapable of crying.  She’s so mean that I bet whatever part of your eye that makes tears doesn’t make them in her.

My eyes, on the other hand, are fully capable of making tears.  And they do after I read every post Kaylen publishes.

-Le Pole

P.S.  Know what sport I don’t like watching?  Water polo.  And competition canoing.  And handball.  And that weird thing with the horses.

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Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods

August 12, 2008 at 9:44 am (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

I hate Agnes today because she accused me of being lazy because of my 9 hour TV marathon and then she Rick Rolled me. What she may not be aware of is that I am, in fact, not lazy. I have a broken leg. In fact it is me NOT being lazy that is hindering the healing process. Today it was you that made me cry, Agnes. And I hate you.

But K-Murder is going to be A-OK…I got 30 more Vicodin! And I know who I’m NOT sharing them with. And that’s Agnes, because I hate her.

Also I’m getting a handicapped parking pass for 3 months so the sky is really the limit!

K-Murder

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Mandy Moore is Aquaman’s kryptonite, bro.

August 11, 2008 at 3:41 pm (Le Pole)

So,

I think it’s funny that Kaylen blames me for getting HBO and DVR.  Psh.  She uses the DVR more than anybody else in the whole wide world.  And what kind of lazy person sits on a couch for 9 hours.  Right after the cable guy left, I started going through the tv guide on the tv and every few seconds Kaylen would yell, “Oh yeah DVR that!”  All episodes of Degrassi.  What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.  The Simpsons Movie.  All episdoes of Law and Order: SVU.  And more.  I DVRd good stuff- Entourage and The Last King of Scotland.

-Le Pole

P.S.  Here is the video I made today with my built-in webcam about how mean Kaylen is.

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Telephones Are a Lie

August 11, 2008 at 2:39 pm (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

The reason I hate Agnes today is because she talked me into getting HBO and a DVR for us. Because of a special deal with the HBO we got Cinemax too…which makes our movie channel count, like, 300 345. Now I cannot do anything but sit in front of the television. Yesterday, Nicole and I sat in front of the TV from 2pm until 11:15pm. For those of you who are not good at math that is 9 hours and 15 minutes. About 4 hours in we both developed a TV headache and tried to remedy it with more TV. It did not work. I hate Agnes.

Now, you may be saying to yourselves, well K-Murder, there has to be a time when there is nothing on. Well, even if there is a remote chance that nothing will be on TV, I know there will be because of the fucking DVR. Yesterday was day 2 of this rig and already I see the potential for a downward spiral as Nicole and I only moved to answer the call of nature and the call of the doorbell when our pizza arrived. Oh, and to feed the cat some cheese. She really likes cheese which is why I love her. But I still hate Agnes.

K-Murder

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