I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

November 17, 2008 at 3:27 pm (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

 

I hope lots of people come to our Winter Dance Dance Party at 8pm on December 5th!!!

122 A S Roberson Street…

K-Murder

 

photo-34

Here is a picture of what will likely be the scene…

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“Beware the lollipop of mediocrity – lick it once and you suck forever.”

November 11, 2008 at 10:10 am (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I pinched Agnes’ butt in the produce section of the Harris Teeter.  This much is true.  However, it was a friendly butt pinch, kind of like we’re on a sports team, which we kind of are.  Really I was saying “You picked out a GREAT lemon, Teammate Agnes, GREAT job!”

BUT OF COURSE, Agnes has to turn it into this big controversial thing.  OMG Kaylen pinched my butt and everyone saw, they must think we’re BIG LESBIANS!  Dude, first of all, it was in Carrboro.  How many girls do you think that produce manager has seen pinching each others butts?  Secondly, AGNES, I’m actually in love with that gay camp counselor that kept dropping his clipboard and picking it up in those short shorts at the Halloween party.

And as far as the accusations of abuse…well I don’t play around with that shit.  Agnes just needs to eat more red meat.  Jane Eyre could hit her with her fuzzy little tail and leave a bruise!  Of course Jane is a recovering alcoholic, but whatever.

K-Murder

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There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

October 24, 2008 at 9:24 am (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

Tonight we’re going to the state fair.  That should be fun…I hope Agnes brings the party cam.  I want my picture with animals.

We had a lot of fun watching a scary movie called “Dead Silence.”  It wasn’t really that scary, I just like to scream at random places to make the movie more suspensful for everyone around.  I won’t get into what we watched after that…

I actually scared away Agnes’ hiccups the other day.  I didn’t even think that was possible!

Jane has been a lot nicer lately.  I think she has finally stopped drinking…

Hopefully we’ll be able to post some pictures of the fair and the brunch.

Peace,

K-Murder

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Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue

October 1, 2008 at 9:02 pm (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

I don’t like George Clooney.  He always sounds the same and he was the WORST Batman ever.  But I love Michelle Pfeiffer.  She is the only Catwoman worth mentioning.

Speaking of cats, the cat has figured out how to open cabinet doors.  Nothing is safe.  She’s such a jerk and so lucky that I picked her out from the pound.  I don’t think anyone else has the capacity to love her.  But I’ve decided she’s my animal complement, and we understand each other.

I don’t like my job, almost as much as I don’t like George Clooney.  I really hope I do well on the GRE so I can blow this popsicle stand.  I’ve been studying really hard.

We discovered sweet tea vodka this week.  It’s the most amazing thing God ever made.

Oh, and we’re awesome. Like, way awesome.  I think the guy from the Teet agrees.

K-Murder

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Thug Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry

September 9, 2008 at 11:28 pm (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

I hate Agnes today because she left out her “empty” beer bottle and the cat, Jane Eyre, who is a recovering alcoholic got drunk again…

K-Murder

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Stay if you please, you may not be here when I leave.

August 29, 2008 at 1:07 pm (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

I think Agnes gets confused sometimes.  I am not loud, just expressive.  She should know about being expressive.  She makes weird noises and faces at people all the time.  She told me she can’t help it, but I don’t believe her.

Speaking of Agnes’ weird noises.  When I asked her to sunless tan my naked body (a joke mind you) she made a weird face and noise.  I think she was more flattered than she let on.  In fact she kept telling eeeeeveryone about it (the blog before last…case and point).  I think I detected a hint of bragging…interesting.

Also, did I mention she has started calling me “Sweet-Thang?”  It makes me feel a little uncomfortable.  The way she says it is also really creepy, with this weird “Deliverance” southern twang.  I keep looking over my shoulder for the little inbred kid with the banjo every time she says it.

The thing that really bugs me about Agnes is that I get no appreciation.  Last night I took her out driving for like 30 minutes and yelled obscene things out the window to people while blasting “Lean on Me” to make her laugh.  I don’t do that for anyone else, Agnes.  Also, I got really sarcastic when we were at The Station listening to Obama’s acceptance speech just to get her to giggle.  Do you know how dangerous it is to mock Obama in Carrboro?  I almost got eaten by hippies except for the fact that everyone there was vegan.

Kmurder

PS-I was supposed to mention Catherine in my next blog.  She is a Phd student at Duke and she is my new BFF (despite the fact that she doesn’t have an Ivy League education..*scoff*).  We like to do things like go to the dairy and eat our ice cream holding hands.  We also draw each other beautiful pictures to put up in our offices.  She even framed one of her drawings for me as a gift.  It was an incredibly life-like drawing of her and I holding hands and enjoying our ice cream as we often times do.  Maybe I can share some of her beautiful drawings on here once I receive another one.

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Maybe you can find a nice antique rocking chair to die in.

August 18, 2008 at 12:23 pm (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

I don’t hate Agnes as much today.  She started her orientation so I feel bad for her.

I went home this weekend and it was amazing.  I don’t know what happened but all of a sudden I really enjoy spending time with my family.  I guess I finally realized that they are the ones who will always love me, no matter what happens and no matter who drifts in and out of my life.

Speaking of which I got to see my godson.  He is so adorable.  He is the only child in the world remotely acceptable.  He’s like atomic cute.  Here is a picture of him dressed as a hot dog…

K-Murder

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A True Friend Stabs You In the Front

August 14, 2008 at 4:27 pm (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

I hate Agnes today because she tried to make me look creepy by saying that I said I loved her on aim.  I just said that so that she would do me a favor.  She forgets she’s only one of my rainy day friends.

Also, I’m not THAT mean.  Today I held my godchild for like 5 minutes and didn’t even throw up or throw him out the window.  He also didn’t cry when I held him or anything!  He smiled at me as if to say, “I know that I am the only one of my kind that you don’t hate.”  Tonight I’m going to dress him up in the hot dog costume I bought him and take lots of pictures that I intend to put up.

K-Murder

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Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy

August 13, 2008 at 10:07 am (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

Today I hate Agnes because she said I was incapable of crying. That is absolutely not true. I cry during allergy season and when I laugh really really hard when a small child falls down or gets karate kicked 10 feet like on this youtube video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qB7QLKZzFY8

Agnes is coming back to the house today which means I will be leaving until Sunday. I told her I am “taking vacation time” which is just not true. I’m taking sick leave because I’m sick of her and need to leave.

By the way, Katie and I stayed up until midnight watching those crazy Chinese girl gymnasts. As much as I hate to agree with Agnes, those freaks CANNOT be 16. One was missing a tooth, and I’d bet $10 it was a baby tooth. Also, they all wore those tacky sparkly barrettes and Katie raised an excellent point that only people in middle/elementary school wear those. They were pretty amazing though, as much as it pains me to admit. But I guess you’re pretty flexible when you’re still a fetus.

K-Murder

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Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods

August 12, 2008 at 9:44 am (K-Murder)

Dear Diary,

I hate Agnes today because she accused me of being lazy because of my 9 hour TV marathon and then she Rick Rolled me. What she may not be aware of is that I am, in fact, not lazy. I have a broken leg. In fact it is me NOT being lazy that is hindering the healing process. Today it was you that made me cry, Agnes. And I hate you.

But K-Murder is going to be A-OK…I got 30 more Vicodin! And I know who I’m NOT sharing them with. And that’s Agnes, because I hate her.

Also I’m getting a handicapped parking pass for 3 months so the sky is really the limit!

K-Murder

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