Yesterday I pinched Agnes’ butt in the produce section of the Harris Teeter. This much is true. However, it was a friendly butt pinch, kind of like we’re on a sports team, which we kind of are. Really I was saying “You picked out a GREAT lemon, Teammate Agnes, GREAT job!”
BUT OF COURSE, Agnes has to turn it into this big controversial thing. OMG Kaylen pinched my butt and everyone saw, they must think we’re BIG LESBIANS! Dude, first of all, it was in Carrboro. How many girls do you think that produce manager has seen pinching each others butts? Secondly, AGNES, I’m actually in love with that gay camp counselor that kept dropping his clipboard and picking it up in those short shorts at the Halloween party.
And as far as the accusations of abuse…well I don’t play around with that shit. Agnes just needs to eat more red meat. Jane Eyre could hit her with her fuzzy little tail and leave a bruise! Of course Jane is a recovering alcoholic, but whatever.