Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring, I don’t mean on the phone.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
Dear Diary,
I hope lots of people come to our Winter Dance Dance Party at 8pm on December 5th!!!
122 A S Roberson Street…
K-Murder
Here is a picture of what will likely be the scene…
“Beware the lollipop of mediocrity – lick it once and you suck forever.”
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I pinched Agnes’ butt in the produce section of the Harris Teeter. This much is true. However, it was a friendly butt pinch, kind of like we’re on a sports team, which we kind of are. Really I was saying “You picked out a GREAT lemon, Teammate Agnes, GREAT job!”
BUT OF COURSE, Agnes has to turn it into this big controversial thing. OMG Kaylen pinched my butt and everyone saw, they must think we’re BIG LESBIANS! Dude, first of all, it was in Carrboro. How many girls do you think that produce manager has seen pinching each others butts? Secondly, AGNES, I’m actually in love with that gay camp counselor that kept dropping his clipboard and picking it up in those short shorts at the Halloween party.
And as far as the accusations of abuse…well I don’t play around with that shit. Agnes just needs to eat more red meat. Jane Eyre could hit her with her fuzzy little tail and leave a bruise! Of course Jane is a recovering alcoholic, but whatever.
K-Murder
What makes life so difficult? People.
So,
Yesterday Kaylen pinched my butt at Harris Teeter. It made me feel really uncomfortable and EVERYBODY in the produce section saw. Recently I had been talking about all the boys I like in front of her to try to get her to understand that I’m not like that. But I guess I have to stop being so discrete. Maybe once she knows the truth she’ll stop beating me and my bruises (both physical and emotional) will heal.
-Le Pole
There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
Dear Diary,
Tonight we’re going to the state fair. That should be fun…I hope Agnes brings the party cam. I want my picture with animals.
We had a lot of fun watching a scary movie called “Dead Silence.” It wasn’t really that scary, I just like to scream at random places to make the movie more suspensful for everyone around. I won’t get into what we watched after that…
I actually scared away Agnes’ hiccups the other day. I didn’t even think that was possible!
Jane has been a lot nicer lately. I think she has finally stopped drinking…
Hopefully we’ll be able to post some pictures of the fair and the brunch.
Peace,
K-Murder
I’m feeling devious, You’re looking glamorous, Let’s get mischievous and polyamorous
So,
I’ve been making a mental list of what we all say to Jane Eyre. And these are what she most hears:
Don’t be a bitch/jerk/asshole
Let me love you
No/Stop it/Don’t do that
You better not be playing in the toilet.
So yeah. There’s love…
I’m going to see W. today and I’m sort of excited. Rotten Tomatoes only gave it a 54, but it looks super funny.
I have been thinking about the new boy all the time for the past two days. All the time. Some thoughts more dirty than others. Hahaha. Oh man. Me asking a boy out via facebook would be really weird, right?
I’ll put up pictures of our Paula Deen brunch when I get back to Chapel Hill…
-Le Pole
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue
Dear Diary,
I don’t like George Clooney. He always sounds the same and he was the WORST Batman ever. But I love Michelle Pfeiffer. She is the only Catwoman worth mentioning.
Speaking of cats, the cat has figured out how to open cabinet doors. Nothing is safe. She’s such a jerk and so lucky that I picked her out from the pound. I don’t think anyone else has the capacity to love her. But I’ve decided she’s my animal complement, and we understand each other.
I don’t like my job, almost as much as I don’t like George Clooney. I really hope I do well on the GRE so I can blow this popsicle stand. I’ve been studying really hard.
We discovered sweet tea vodka this week. It’s the most amazing thing God ever made.
Oh, and we’re awesome. Like, way awesome. I think the guy from the Teet agrees.
K-Murder
If you don’t want your balls juggled, don’t throw them in my face.
So.
It has been a while. Kaylen and I are watching One Fine Day. Kaylen says she hates the movie and George Clooney, but I think she’s lying. It’s obviously her favorite movie ever. I’m secure enough to say that I, Agnes, LOVE this movie and George Clooney. Oh yeah, we’re also drinking.
Um. I wish I had more to say…
-Le Pole
Thug Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
Dear Diary,
I hate Agnes today because she left out her “empty” beer bottle and the cat, Jane Eyre, who is a recovering alcoholic got drunk again…
K-Murder
Stay if you please, you may not be here when I leave.
Dear Diary,
I think Agnes gets confused sometimes. I am not loud, just expressive. She should know about being expressive. She makes weird noises and faces at people all the time. She told me she can’t help it, but I don’t believe her.
Speaking of Agnes’ weird noises. When I asked her to sunless tan my naked body (a joke mind you) she made a weird face and noise. I think she was more flattered than she let on. In fact she kept telling eeeeeveryone about it (the blog before last…case and point). I think I detected a hint of bragging…interesting.
Also, did I mention she has started calling me “Sweet-Thang?” It makes me feel a little uncomfortable. The way she says it is also really creepy, with this weird “Deliverance” southern twang. I keep looking over my shoulder for the little inbred kid with the banjo every time she says it.
The thing that really bugs me about Agnes is that I get no appreciation. Last night I took her out driving for like 30 minutes and yelled obscene things out the window to people while blasting “Lean on Me” to make her laugh. I don’t do that for anyone else, Agnes. Also, I got really sarcastic when we were at The Station listening to Obama’s acceptance speech just to get her to giggle. Do you know how dangerous it is to mock Obama in Carrboro? I almost got eaten by hippies except for the fact that everyone there was vegan.
Kmurder
PS-I was supposed to mention Catherine in my next blog. She is a Phd student at Duke and she is my new BFF (despite the fact that she doesn’t have an Ivy League education..*scoff*). We like to do things like go to the dairy and eat our ice cream holding hands. We also draw each other beautiful pictures to put up in our offices. She even framed one of her drawings for me as a gift. It was an incredibly life-like drawing of her and I holding hands and enjoying our ice cream as we often times do. Maybe I can share some of her beautiful drawings on here once I receive another one.
